Blue Pill, Blue Pill, How Will You Spill?

There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
There is nothing I can say
To make this go away.

I have half a mind to abandon the internet, abandon my work, abandon the promise of school, and pack what little I care about and disappear.

I hate people. I just absolutely hate people. I hate their bad news, I hate their co-dependency, I hate their selfishness, I hate my selflessness.

It hurts sometimes. Most times. And there's no fucking escape from these people who don't get it.

And don't, for one second, say it isn't your fault. Because that makes you a part of the problem. Ignorance is bliss.

White toad
Red paintbrush
Old fairytales unscripted
Dog and I outside in the shade
Honeysuckle stalkers smell
Jam on my fingertips
White peaches
Stain the page

~

What a shame
You revered her and so you became her
What once was an oak seed grew into
A willow tree
With roots at half mast
And devil tongue leaves
Imitation isn't flattery
It is a slow, agonizing suicide
With palmtree claws laying claim to your eyes
Your mirrors
At first, you strip away the skin
Until the clay sets
A sodden bark, a hanging head
Too properly stoned
To witness your own demise

~

Are we bitter again?
We emerge from the car as a featherweight
But I see only anchors on your sandals.
Who snapped the sail
Which received the wind
And carried you from paradise lost
To the magnificent Christ?
What would your Jesus do?
What does He think of you?
Your sails receive no answer.

~

Sabotaged!
No
Not I
I am stalwart
Egomaniacal!
Bodylust incarnate rubber steel embedded sky
I would never do this to myself
Insomuch never was
Sinking hole
Indeed

Dorian:
- Thread with Alex
- Thread for Asgard
- Thread with Sydonai*

Blythe:
- Thread with Lina, Keele (I think?)
- Thread for Asgard
- Thread with Kain

Sal:
- Thread with Medusa
- Thread with Alex

Tailypo:
- Thread with Banru
- Thread with Banru, Morana


* added

I just want to crawl into a hole and die right now.

You are not truly open-minded until you are open-minded about close-minded people. Do not place stereotypes, do not judge and expect not to be judged. Do not live with the conviction that you are right and everyone else must follow your example. If you try to change everyone else based on what you believe or how you feel, you are no better than the people doing it to you.

Understand. Empathize. Even if there are people whose ideals you do not agree with, whose religion you don't understand, whose hearts are open in different ways. Tolerance is a step. Tolerance is sometimes all that is needed. Things can't change over night. Aggression can shatter any progress made. The inability to understand others will lead you down a narrow path, no matter how open-minded you are convinced you are. Not everyone thinks like you. Not everyone loves like you. And until you fully accept that, you will be nothing but a pointed finger instead of an open hand.

I am shutterbug omelet
On hot concrete plate

I am snapping turtle lemons
On earl grey wavelengths

I am suicide patchwork
On splitting laughing streams

I am elegant blue scars
On hairless envelopes

I am sunrise stunted
By a field of headstones.

( NIGHT RECONNAISSANSE Lyrics )

This looks hilarious!

Ugh.

I think I hate everybody. And everything.

And fuck this shit.

I could really use more mellow people in my life.

Dramacases, every last one of us. Exhausts me sometimes. Sucks all the energy right out of me. Only so much negativity you can really take before you just flatline.

Started work today! And if there's one thing I can say about the entire thing - prior experience saved my life.

Yes, I made a mistake here and there, but when the place suddenly got busy and Sherry needed help on her tables, I went straight out there even when I didn't know what half the menu said, what the specials were, and how to find half of the beverages.

But I pulled it through with $18.73 in tips out of the five tables I waited on. I don't even think they were ready to put me on the floor that early. It was just Steve (the owner/chef/multitasker extraordinaire) and Sherry and myself at work today and the impression I got was that Steve wanted me to remain mostly in the back so that I could understand how everything was made and how it all came together. I got there at 10:30, which was when the place opened, but it was dead, so Steve started me off immediately.

First he told me where to hang my things and then he said that I had to find table 5 and move it so that I could go in the attic to get him stocking supplies. I had no idea which table was 5 - buuuut it helps when there's a door on the ceiling. So I went up there and got cups and straws and the like before Steve himself went into the attic and got me new shirts.

When that was done, I instantly started filling in the blanks in the kitchen, helping where they needed an extra pair of hands. I learned how to access the freezer about back, where to find things, how the system worked (like the waitresses, even when it's busy, are the ones who have to put the sides and soups on the plates - Steve only puts the sandwiches together). In the middle of chopping up chicken for one of the sandwiches, a table came and Sherry took me outside and let me watch. I put the drinks together and let her do the rest. Then a couple more tables came.

At that point, it was unspoken that my lessons in the kitchen would have to continue later, because the next thing I knew, I was grabbing menus at hustling out the door at Steve's behest. The first table I had, I was only supposed to be giving them the menus so that Sherry could take over, but when they began asking me questions and talking about the town, I knew they weren't going to wait for her. Instead, I took their order.

Luckily, I got a few brownie points with them, because I had spent the first half of serving them bumbling and fumbling, but I brought out a pamphlet to one of the ladies that had all the information about Occoquan. She was very pleased.

The business died off around 2 o'clock, which gave us two hours to kill until closing. I returned to helping out in the kitchen making a delivery order which Steve sent me to take to the customers. Fortunately, The Blue Arbor only did delivery runs to people in Occoquan, so all I had to do was walk to one of the stores up the street. When I got back, my mom was waiting for me, ready to trade car keys, as she borrowed mine for a delivery of her own. Mine was bigger and had more space, and so I drove her car to work instead. She wanted to stay and chat for a bit, but by the time I finished up with what I had to say, I went back to work. She spoke with Steve for a minute before taking off.

Around 3, two new tables came in and Sherry stayed in the kitchen, so I took them. There was no one after that. When we were closing up, we cashed out our checks and I did my ending chores and Sherry and I shared a quiche she made (which was greeeeat because I was so nervous this morning, I only had three bites of my apple). I learned a little bit about the two of them, like how Sherry had two sons, ages 24 and 19. And that Steve's wife works for Microsoft. He also found out that my sister, Catie, worked at the Petsmart (he said he thought I looked like someone he'd seen before and it clicked when I told him about Catie) and I gave him permission to harass her.

Overall, it went much better than it could have gone, though I'm not going to lie: working in restaurants will always make me somewhat uneasy. There's a lot to memorize, a lot to remember, a lot little things to do, and I can't forget the customers. And I know there will be times - more so in the beginning than after I get comfortable-ish - when I will fuck something up and have everyone breathing down my neck over it. I almost had an incident like that today, but I got out of it alright, thank God.

I still have a lot to learn, but I got a lot accomplished today. I feel good about it and hope that things start going smoothly the more I go.

Last night, I scurried off to bed far earlier than I'd intended when my left arm started going numb. It ended up being nothing (even though, in the midsts of my hyperventilation, I was sure my left leg was dragging), but it's been feeling odd ever since then. Numb, tingly, hot. I'm going to see if I can focus my diet on something a bit more specific. I eat well, but the chances of me lacking in something is quite possible.

Oma and Onkel Urs were taken home today. I got sick at the airport. Catie thanked me for not getting sick in her car, but whatever. And then when we left the airport in two separate cars (six people going, four people coming back), Catie was a dumbass and got into the cash only lane when she had a pay-and-go ticket. So Mom and I pulled over on the side of the road and waited for five minutes to get that sorted out.

I think the best moment I had with the two of them here was the time I got to "sit and watch" Oma and Nanna bond over the loss of their sons. My mother's younger brother, Maurus (I think that's how they spell it) died 15 years ago of a drug overdose. And when she was sharing her sympathies with Nanna, Nanna got all teared up (Oma doesn't do that crying thing).

Dad's birthday is on Monday. I got him a card. Lame, I know.

I don't know if I'll be on the computer tonight. For all I know, this is making the pain in my arm get worse. I never got on well with electronics...

GAHHHHH!

YESTERDAY SUCKED.

I'm betting it's genetic. Dad did it. And now Mom's doing it.

And I'm going to do it.

...Spring Cleaning is a bust.

Who the hell thinks moving furniture up and down a flight of stairs at three in the morning because the house needs more of a flow is a good idea? My dad obviously did! For months!

And this morning, my mother yanks me out of bed, going: I need your help!

I trudge downstairs to find her ready to move the rest of the heavy bookcases. So we carry all five of those down a curled flight of stairs. And then push them into this back room. And I'm all: whoo, that was awesome, time to go back to bed!

And then my mother gleefully exclaims: Not done yet! We're ripping out the carpet!

So we did. And then I take a shower and the next thing I know, there's a man at the house, helping Mom figure out estimates for putting in wooden floors in the room and the hallway.

She's CRAZY!

And I'm so going to be doing the same thing when I'm her age, oh Lordy.

What else...

Catie broke up with Scully today. Only I didn't know she was on the phone with him while I was yelling up to her room about math homework, so she was very mean. D:

I looked at my mom and said: Jeez, who sat on her hot pocket?

But apparently Christina had a talk with her and now Catie's not as much of a bitch as she was. She's just insufferable now.

Which is a step in the right direction, I suppose.

Had another weird-ass dream last night, and poor Barry was in the middle of all the WTF-ness. The only reason he was in it, I'm sure, is because I managed to send him an email before the computer kicked me off completely.

In the dream, I was in a house in the forest, and outside there was a wedding being arranged. Apparently I was deeply in love and getting hitched, so I unceremoniously walk outside to the alter and wait there impatiently in a wedding gown as everyone hangs around. When the groom never shows up, I storm back into the house and run into my cousin Ryan - the one whose wedding I attended back in September. He says to me that the entire family came out for a wedding and they all said they were going to get one, no matter who I tied the knot with. I was then informed that my intended was a second cousin of mine that I had never met and he would be here tomorrow so that we could get married.

Angry, I went into the far back room, whipped out my cell phone, and texted Barry. My text read Are you in Asia? Good. I need to talk to you. Two minutes later, I called him, and the first words out of his mouth were: Ow, my eyes!

I gave him a couple minutes to chill or whatever, before I informed him that I was running away to Canada. He was then overjoyed, exclaiming that since he lived in Indiana, I could visit him on the way up. (He really lives in Jersey, btw.) I said I had already planned to.

Then I looked outside my window and noticed sadly that there was no way to sneak out of the house without people catching me. But in good old dream fashion, stairs magically appeared at my window, and I quickly snuck out, wedding gown and all. Running through the forest was like some kind of game, as I had to dodge family members as they were searching desperately. With Barry still on the phone, we had a conversation like:

So which direction are you running?

North, I hope.

You'll know when you hit the palm trees.

Yes, that's true.

Thank God you didn't get married at a pagoda.

What's a pagoda?

Something Asian. I hate them.

Oh, okay.

I then fell head first into a river at this point, coming up completely drenched in dirty water. Deciding this was a sexy look, I kept going, and even eventually ran into a secret Buddhist shrine in the middle of this forest. I kept falling in water before eventually hopping across beams, making it to the other side. People in white paint were watching me the entire time with their mouths open, like what I was doing was sacrilegious. Barry called me again, and offered that I could stay the night as long as I was dry.

I finally made it to his house, where his nonexistent sister answered the door. When I asked if her brother lived here, Barry's father appeared behind her and pointed: It's the pagoda girl!

Barry yanked me inside, handed me a bowl of cheetos and apologized that his father wasn't caught up on American customs.

That's when I woke up.

Blythe
1. The Fray – Little House
2. Imogen Heap – Headlock
3. Feist – I Feel It All
4. The Bird And The Bee – Again And Again
5. REM – Losing My Religion
6. Ingrid Michaelson – Keep Breathing
7. Natalie Merchant – My Skin
8. Origa – Dimanche
9. Matt Costa – I Tried
10. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Turn Into
11. Eisley – Blackened Crown
12. Queens Of The Stone Age – The Blood Is Love
13. Staind – Outside

Brandy
1. Shiny Toy Guns – Ricochet
2. Lily Allen – The Fear
3. Bowling For Soup – Smoothie King
4. Goldfrapp – Ooh La La
5. The Dresden Dolls – Dirty Business
6. The Dollyrots – Because I’m Awesome
7. Wicked Soundtrack – Popular
8. Relient K – Mood Rings
9. The Pussycat Dolls – Don’t Cha
10. Tickle Me Pink – Typical
11. Pink – Stupid Girls
12. Roxette – The Look
13. OK Go – Get Over It

Dorian
1. Björk – Pluto
2. Keane – Atlantic
3. Massive Attack – Teardrop
4. Coldplay – Lost
5. Simon & Garfunkel – Sound Of Silence
6. Finger Eleven – Stay And Drown
7. Beethoven – Moonlight Sonata
8. Mika – Grace Kelly
9. Love Spit Love – How Soon Is Now
10. Sia – Numb
11. Foo Fighters – Best Of You
12. PJ Harvey – Grow Grow Grow
13. Emiliana Torrini – Dead Things


Rascal
1. A Perfect Circle – The Outsider
2. Orgy – Stitches
3. Powerman 5000 – Bombshell
4. Prodigy – Breathe
5. Static-X – Machine
6. Kidney Thieves – Black Bullet
7. Tool – Part Of Me
8. Celldweller – One Good Reason
9. Mudvayne – Dig
10. 30 Seconds To Mars – 93 Million Miles
11. Nocturne – My Bitch
12. Peach – You Lied
13. A Perfect Circle – Passive

Sandalphon
1. Portishead – Roads
2. Peaches – Boys Wanna Be Her
3. Flyleaf – Breathe Today
4. Marcy Playground – Comin’ Up From Behind
5. Lacuna Coil – Falling
6. Gary Numan – Hybrid
7. Tori Amos – Raining Blood
8. Within Temptation – Jillian (I’d Give My Heart)
9. Puddle Of Mud – She Fucking Hates Me
10. Hoobastank – Don’t Tell Me
11. Delirium feat. Sarah McLachlan – Silence
12. Utada Hikaru – Sanctuary
13. Natasha Farrow – Calling To The Night

The Tailypo
1. Finch – Bite Marks And Bloodstains
2. Chevelle – The Red
3. Muse – Hysteria
4. Stolen Babies – Grubbery
5. Oomph! – Augen Auf!
6. Alice In Chains – Grind
7. Nine Inch Nails – Complications Of The Flesh
8. Metallica – The Thing That Should Not Be
9. Disturbed – Perfect Insanity
10. Ruxpin – I Miss You
11. Rasputina – Bad Moon Rising
12. Marilyn Manson – Sweet Tooth
13. American McGee’s Alice – Pool Of Tears

No lyrics. Blah. xD

So. Fucking. Bored.

I loved walking outside today. I think I need to get off this computer and do more shit. Because I'm getting to a point where there are times I sit here for two hours waiting for something. And I think I'm hiding from the world. I have good reasons to be here. But those good reasons aren't always on the same page I am. Just life.

~*~*~

You know what I hate?

I hate feeling inadequate. And I get that a lot from other people. Just not empathetic enough or understanding enough or open-minded enough or can't seem to say exactly the right thing or have to live up to expectations. When that's really all I try to do anyway.

It's like you're a doctor and your career is to save lives, but your death toll with patients is 50% and you live with this every day of: I'm a doctor, this is what I want to do, I want to help people. But I get malpractice suits, I have grieving families, I have this need to swallow a jar of tacs when I come home and curl up on the couch.

Just God damn. And I'm so fucked up in the head about it that if other people try to talk to me about me, I don't want to. I feel threatened or backed into a corner. I'd rather blow your questions off and listen to your life and try to help you figure it out and then emotionally bleed when I feel like I can't say or do anything because that's how messed up I am.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.